From The Heart

It's late. I should be in bed. Once again, I can't sleep.

First off, I want to say thank you. Thank you to those people who have gone out of their way to compliment me about my blog. It is always unexpected, and although the main purpose that I keep this blog (as I have said in times past) is as a diary for my kids, I will confess that the kind remarks about it sometimes really, REALLY lift me up. And to those of you who pass along compliments through my family.....I appreciate your kindness as well.

I say this tonight because I just need to. I need to because for this particular post, it's the readers of this blog that I have chosen to bare my heart to.

Although I have very strong opinions - which I state semi-regularly on this blog - I have tried very hard to keep things private that belong private. I find it very distasteful when folks just spill their guts on a regular basis, assuming that the whole world wants to know every miniscule detail of their lives. However, I am going to break my own cardinal rule and become public about "the private". Simply because I am discovering there are more people out there who care about me than I realized.

I have had the most difficult 6-8 months since I began my Christian walk 27 years ago. I have tried to hide this fact because I have discovered I have bucket fulls of PRIDE. In fact, it's amazing what else I have discovered about myself in these months that I really never knew.

I realize how very little I trust God. I know I have little trust for myself. It's amazing how long one can travel on this journey without really understanding these things.

I have this bad habit of deflecting any encouraging messages preached as being for others.....since surely all this good stuff must be for the better Christians. I have the same bad habit of taking every serious message as being directed at me. It wasn't until fairly recently that I realized how much I really did this. It's hard to be encouraged by the Lord if you don't believe it was meant for you. I somehow got it into my head that I was VAIN if I took messages like that personally......after all, who am I?

As a result, I have been suffering from severe anxiety for the last 6-8 months, spiraling downward in the last couple of months in particular. I have quit driving school bus - primarily because I was beginning to have panic attacks while driving, and for the safety of the kids I had no choice. I have quit singing (as part of the worship team) because I was finding it difficult to sing when I couldn't breathe, and it was affecting my worship to God in general. I did not want to dread going to church because I was scheduled to sing. I have quit driving EVERYWHERE but this city. I DO NOT drive on the highway. At all (and I used to drive everywhere and not want to be a passenger).

I have become a cripple. And I tried very much to hide it from everyone, because after all, Christians should not suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. They should trust God.

Yup. Exactly.

A good friend recently suggested to me that, at least in part, some of my freedom from this debilitation may come when I stop trying to hide it, since part of my anxiety has been that "everyone will find out". That is another reason why I am "telling the world". I do realize that however much I have tried hiding this for the past few months, it is becoming apparent anyway. God only lets us hide so long.

So now, here I am. Wanting.......needing desperately to get my life back. Trying to push pride aside. Realizing that everything that God is showing me is ultimately a GOOD THING (even if it's hard). I really don't want things so hidden beneath the surface they aren't dealt with at all.

I want to learn to LET GO.

I want to learn to TRUST GOD COMPLETELY.

I want to learn to LIVE JOYFULLY.

I want to truly understand that GOD LOVES ME. Even in spite of my weaknesses.

And I'm baring my heart to y'all. Because I know some of you will care enough to pray for me.