Thursday, February 18, 2010

From The Heart

It's late. I should be in bed. Once again, I can't sleep.

First off, I want to say thank you. Thank you to those people who have gone out of their way to compliment me about my blog. It is always unexpected, and although the main purpose that I keep this blog (as I have said in times past) is as a diary for my kids, I will confess that the kind remarks about it sometimes really, REALLY lift me up. And to those of you who pass along compliments through my family.....I appreciate your kindness as well.

I say this tonight because I just need to. I need to because for this particular post, it's the readers of this blog that I have chosen to bare my heart to.

Although I have very strong opinions - which I state semi-regularly on this blog - I have tried very hard to keep things private that belong private. I find it very distasteful when folks just spill their guts on a regular basis, assuming that the whole world wants to know every miniscule detail of their lives. However, I am going to break my own cardinal rule and become public about "the private". Simply because I am discovering there are more people out there who care about me than I realized.

I have had the most difficult 6-8 months since I began my Christian walk 27 years ago. I have tried to hide this fact because I have discovered I have bucket fulls of PRIDE. In fact, it's amazing what else I have discovered about myself in these months that I really never knew.

I realize how very little I trust God. I know I have little trust for myself. It's amazing how long one can travel on this journey without really understanding these things.

I have this bad habit of deflecting any encouraging messages preached as being for others.....since surely all this good stuff must be for the better Christians. I have the same bad habit of taking every serious message as being directed at me. It wasn't until fairly recently that I realized how much I really did this. It's hard to be encouraged by the Lord if you don't believe it was meant for you. I somehow got it into my head that I was VAIN if I took messages like that personally......after all, who am I?

As a result, I have been suffering from severe anxiety for the last 6-8 months, spiraling downward in the last couple of months in particular. I have quit driving school bus - primarily because I was beginning to have panic attacks while driving, and for the safety of the kids I had no choice. I have quit singing (as part of the worship team) because I was finding it difficult to sing when I couldn't breathe, and it was affecting my worship to God in general. I did not want to dread going to church because I was scheduled to sing. I have quit driving EVERYWHERE but this city. I DO NOT drive on the highway. At all (and I used to drive everywhere and not want to be a passenger).

I have become a cripple. And I tried very much to hide it from everyone, because after all, Christians should not suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. They should trust God.

Yup. Exactly.

A good friend recently suggested to me that, at least in part, some of my freedom from this debilitation may come when I stop trying to hide it, since part of my anxiety has been that "everyone will find out". That is another reason why I am "telling the world". I do realize that however much I have tried hiding this for the past few months, it is becoming apparent anyway. God only lets us hide so long.

So now, here I am. Wanting.......needing desperately to get my life back. Trying to push pride aside. Realizing that everything that God is showing me is ultimately a GOOD THING (even if it's hard). I really don't want things so hidden beneath the surface they aren't dealt with at all.

I want to learn to LET GO.

I want to learn to TRUST GOD COMPLETELY.

I want to learn to LIVE JOYFULLY.

I want to truly understand that GOD LOVES ME. Even in spite of my weaknesses.

And I'm baring my heart to y'all. Because I know some of you will care enough to pray for me.


Katrina Holmes (Tina) said...

You have no idea, Darla! You are not alone and it is not a shame. Hats off to you for being brave enough to bare your soul. GOD DOES LOVE YOU and those messsages of encouragement are meant for you. TAKE THEM! God wants and will help you back to your joyful self! This is just a "time" that WILL pass.
The tears flow as I pray for you today my blogging buddy, and sister in Christ!

Katrina Holmes (Tina) said...

Here is a link to a resource that I have found very helpful in times of distress. I have read all of Sis Doty's books. I hope you find something here that will help
Love you so much!

Darla said...

Sis. Tina: Thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement. I have bookmarked that website and will spend some time going through it.

Love you, too.


! V r e n said...

Love love love you, Darla. I'm all choked up and teary eyed reading this... You definitely will be in my prayers and I'm absolutely confident that God will see you through.

Mrs. Wizzle said...

I definitely care enough to pray! Got your back girl! Love ya, Love ya, love ya!

palmtreequeen1 said...

Tears well up in my eyes as I read this. Not only do I love you, I completely understand. Funny how God shows us glimpses of what He wants to help us with and change in us. Again, I am reminded of the song What Do I know of Holy, by Addison Road. We are so inadequate. We may know all the stories, but what do we know of Holy?? Praying for you

~LOVE, Sis Deanna

Darla said...

How can I say thank you to all of you wonderful, compassionate ladies? If I could see you I'd even give you all a great bit SMOOCH.....

And Deanna - I listened to that song. Wonderful lyrics. Thanks for suggesting it.

Love you all to pieces....

Josh Rivas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nat said...

Hi Darla, what a touching blog post. You are definitely in my prayers. It's encouraging to know that there are people who really care about you and more importantly that there is a God who cares for you even more!!!

Rachel Peterson said...

I fight tears as I write this, as I am thinking of every battle our family has had to fight lately. Its been a tough go of it, but we are still trucking. Keep strong, and, with God, we can get over it all. Love you a ton

Darla said...

Natalie & Rach: Again, thank you very much for your encouragement. Love you both.

Laura said...

My Sister,

To think that you have felt alone and afraid to let anyone know what you were going through. As I read the responses, it reminded me all over again that there is nothing like the family of God for support and loving one another.

I know how you have been battling this and I know you will get the victory! Am praying for you!

Darla said...

I know, Laura. You and a few others have been my closest confidantes. And I very thankful you have always been there for me. Love you so much.

P.S.: Since this is a sappy post, I have decided to just go ALL OUT with my sappiness. Can't help it. I love y'all.

Graceful Threads said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am going to email you...

Darla said...

Sis. C: I've been out of town all weekend or I would have responded sooner. Thank you for your concern.....I look forward to your email.

QuicklyHome said...

I emailed you a few weeks back and then again a few days ago to confirm I had the right email. Maybe I dont have the right one?